Tired of trying

I hope you remember
that I hate bouquets
and that I’m allergic
to chocolate, stuffed toys
and huge cliched gestures.

I hope you remember
that I don’t like
rings in my champagne
or proposals in the sky,
or in restaurants,
or in any public place, really.

I hope you remember
that I am me,
and not the person
you wish me to be.

— flairey
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The unspoken voice

My poems are more my silence than my speech. Just as music is a kind of quiet.
Sounds are needed only to unveil the various layers of silence.

— Anna Kamienska, In That Great River: A Notebook

The missing piece

A Testimonial of Jae written by someone

Jae is the definitive person who is not who he seems to be, which is confusing when he suddenly acts like himself, but you get used to that.
His many faces include robot, pervert, alien and pedobear – but he’s 100% human, so don’t forget.

He seems to be quite especially complex, but the actual fact is he just likes people to think he is complex.

I think he does for a couple of different reasons –

So he can see who really cares about him and so he can laugh at people who try desperately to figure him out.

He doesn’t like people to think he cares about them, but he actually really does and he just wishes that he doesn’t.
This is because he knows that caring means there is a possibility he will be disappointed and he’s not very good at handling disappointment.
The reason for this lack of trust in people is because he’s been hurt before.

He does this annoying thing where he jumps to negative conclusions about everything and says that he’s just being realistic.
I get why he does that though. It’s because frequently his reality has been negative.

Jae appears to most people to be a raving pervert who is amused by all things distasteful, but actually he laughs more at completely
innocent things.

Don’t presume he is always a ‘light hearted, good natured, laughing at dirty jokes and teasing clown’. That’s just what he does because
he likes to find out who is willing to take him seriously – don’t get me wrong though he does play around a lot – teasing and bickering.
but yeah, remember he’s a human – if you think he will play all the time you’re wrong.

You see, Jae can act one way, but be feeling the exact opposite. Sometimes he messes with people because he wants to make them to smile and then
other times he messes with them because he wants to feel better. It’s very irritating when he does that, because it doesn’t last for
very long and he ends up snapping at you and then you get annoyed at him and then you fight etc etc.

He’s a good friend when he decides that you actually WANT to be his friend and not just using him for kicks – this takes a while for him to process.
Having been hurt before he is very wary about who he trusts and flies off the handle if he misunderstands you and thinks you are using him.
When he’s in a bad mood – stay the hell away – trust me – he likes figuring things out himself.
Completely aggravating cos sometimes you don’t realise he’s in a bad mood until he actually does explode.

Fighting with Jae is not very nice. And I mean real fighting, not teasing fake play fighting.

Not everything about him irritates me though. He actually does go out of his way to make people smile, even if his methods are completely
inappropriate.

If he knows he’s been mean, he’ll say sorry – and that means a lot coming from him, cos he HATES saying sorry.

He has the talent of quickly being able to get what kind of a person you are, this is because you end up talking all about yourself, because he
hardly ever talks about himself – though he loves knowing what you think of him.

Sometimes you’ll be pleasantly surprised when he shares something he’s interested in with you.

That’s the thing about him – he’s willing to share the happy parts of his life with you, but doesn’t like sharing the ‘Other stuff’

In a way it’s his way of not burdening his friends because he doesn’t think they will understand.
Though from a different perspective he is burdening his friends by not telling them because true friends like to be there for one another.

If he needs help with something and he knows you can, he will ask – and as a friend I accept this is how he works.

In fact, the best thing to do, is just accept him, not presume that he is always out to make you laugh and enjoy his Jae-ness.

From experience he is more out to test your patience than to make you laugh anyway – lots of experience.

In a sentence. Jae annoys me a lot, we clash in opinions always and fight frequently, but he’s someone who’s made my life better just by being him and
I wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

Wandering heart

 

“The hardest part about walking away from someone is the
part where you have to realize that no matter how slow you go,
 that someone will never run after you.

Deteriorated aspirations

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your
ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A.
You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%.
You’re there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most,
and the next day they don’t pick up their phone. …You give something your
 all and sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about
someone who doesn’t care enough about you to say hi once in a while.
 You give someone your time, and they give you “Sorry, I’m busy”.
 It seems like you’re giving everyone everything, and they’re just walking away with it.

Behind ones perception

Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words.

— Rainer Maria Rilke -  Letters to a Young Poet

Unrequited

Wish I had told her how I feel
Maybe she’d be here right now

But instead

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls close in more everyday
And I’m dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
Paint it real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn’t I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But your no where around

The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me


I carry a smile when I’m broken in two
And im nobody without someone like you
And I’m trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me

Lie awake its a quarter past 3
I’d scream it at night if I thought you’d hear me
Ya my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me
Baby

How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldn’t say
Just how i feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be loving you still

The nights are lonely
And the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Nobody, nobody but me

Tomorrow morning I’m hitting the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever
ever you might go
And I’m gonna load my heart
And hope you come back to me

The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Babyface - Nobody knows it but me

Words I never said

I’m sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the
 chance to tell you how I truly felt about you.I can’t tell you it
 anymore, you know, that would be awkward. So all I’m gonna say is
thanks, thanks for who you are and what we had.